As most of you know I am not a super private person. Michael and I tell our stories to anyone, and I felt like I wanted to share the last couple weeks with my readers (since most of you are my close friends and family). As many of you know before I got pregnant with Addie I had a miscarriage. It is such a interesting thing. I never understood how it hurts your heart to lose a baby so early. It seems like, that baby never really developed, you didn’t have much time with them, it was so early, but it hurts just the same. Along with miscarriages come the questions “What if I can’t get pregnant?” “What if this is something I will keep experiencing?” Those are hard questions to wrestle with. I am blessed for a couple reasons. 1. I have a God that I know I can trust, this doesn’t mean I know he will make me pregnant but I know he loves me and more importantly I trust him that this life is not about that, this life is about bringing Glory to His name and somehow this is just another way to bring Him Glory. I truly believe this, this life is not about me but HIM!! I have so much comfort in that! 2. I have had the amazing experience of being pregnant and have the most amazing child because of it. Addie is truly AMAZING!!! If you haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with her just trust me that child is the most gentle-hearted, sweet, loving, fun, and easy going child. We love her dearly and are so happy she is ours.
So now that I have caught you up on the last couple years, a couple weeks ago I took a pregnancy test and it said pregnant! Yay we were so excited because we want our children to be close together and this would put them about 26 months apart, perfect! Once again Michael and I can’t keep our mouths shut so we proceeded to tell our immediate family and those we see on a regular basis. About a week ago I started experiencing the same symptoms I had during my first miscarriage. I immediately called my doctor and when I talked to the nurse she didn’t sound very hopeful and said I was probably experiencing another miscarriage. Remember how I talked about how sweet Addie is. When I got off the phone I immediately hit the floor sobbing (I am an emotional basket case) and that sweet child ran over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. She laid her head on my shoulder and from time to time she would look up to see if I was still crying. What an amazing comfort she was during that time. The next week was an emotional roller coaster. Much like the time before we went to the doctor and they saw the sac (last time we actually heard the heart beat) and they said that everything looked normal right then and that we would just have to wait it out. The waiting is hard because you want to cling to the hope but when the symptoms just keep getting worse I think you know what is happening. This morning we went back to the doctor and we got the news that we already knew. We lost the baby. Honestly when I got pregnant this time I didn’t think as much about a miscarriage and I guess it was because I got pregnant with Addie in between so I thought I was in the clear.
At this point we aren’t going to do any testing or anything even though that was offered to us. We are clinging to the two things I stated above 1. We have hope in our God 2. We did get pregnant before so it seems like I would be able to get pregnant again.
A friend of mine sent me this verse today and it so true, God is bigger than everything:
"5 I am the LORD, and there is no other, besides me there is no God; I equip you, though you do not know me, 6 that people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the LORD, and there is no other. 7I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the LORD, who does all these things."
I also posted this yesterday on facebook, they are lyrics from a song I heard:
"Lead me to your heart, rid me of myself, I belong to you!" No matter what happens in this life I am His and He deserves ALL glory.
So through my tears I will praise HIS name! Love you all!